Nursing a friendship back to health is often the last thing a leader has time and energy for with all that is on their plate.
Calendars are filled with services, conferences, counseling sessions, Zoom calls, and trips. Our social lives can often get put on the back burner with all the responsibilities we carry. In the midst of the busyness, it can take weeks of planning just to grab coffee with a friend! So, when conflict arises in friendship, how do we prioritize and steward healthy, Christ-like relationships that will last?
Every healthy leader needs healthy relationships. Leaders are in trouble when they are alone. Loneliness and isolation are some of a leader’s greatest enemies. Being a part of a real, loving community – or lacking it – can change the trajectory of someone’s life. But if many leaders are honest, they are struggling to find authentic friendship. Community is worth the fight and effort to live healthy, holy lives. When conflicts arise, we can fight for our friendships by giving our time and practicing nonviolent communication.
Give It Time
How is there enough time to have a healthy, life-giving social life? Stewarding friendships can be difficult with so many other responsibilities that seem to drain time and energy. Calendars fill up fast! But with how much we give to others, we must be willing to be filled up by meaningful friendship.
Hebrews 10:24–25 says: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Just as it was not good for Adam to be alone in the Garden of Eden, our Creator meant for us to thrive in relationship with others. Modeled after our Trinitarian God, togetherness is key. How do we practice this? It takes time.
Spending quality time with friends is easier said than done. This might sound very elementary to you. Maybe you are really good at making time for friends. Let this be an affirmation that blocking out time for coffee, games, travel, and phone calls is making you a better you! As much as you’re pouring out in what you lead, you’re being filled up with more life, inspiration, and joy to continue serving. This is time well spent!
Time matters even more when conflict arises in a friendship. When there is hurt, misunderstanding, or tension that tempts us to distance ourselves from others, we must fight for friendship by making space in our calendars. Working through conflict is worth the time because it honors God, grows us, and strengthens our connection with others.
Waking up a little earlier to meet at a coffee shop, going out for your lunch break instead of working through it, or making a phone call when you get out of work are practical ways you can set aside time to work through a conflict. Giving time to others is a gift in itself. It speaks volumes to the love you have for a person! Prioritizing time communicates a desire to deepen the love and trust you have for one another.
Nonviolent Communication
Once you set aside the time and have space to work through conflict, what do you do? What do you say? There are often so many fears about addressing conflicts! Will bringing up my pain offend them? Will they write me off? Never want to speak to me again? What if I lose this friendship because of this disagreement?
So many of us let the fear of losing a friendship keep us from helpful confrontation. We can let bitterness build up and go for years trying to ignore our hurt. This might sound easier but is more damaging than we know. Don’t let fears keep you from intentionally seeking health in your friendships. View confrontation as a fight for the person, not against them! You can do this through intentional, loving, nonviolent communication.
A book that changed my life is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. This resource showed me how to approach friends when I’m hurt and seek to understand others’ perspectives in conflict. The “violent” way to approach conflict is to come at someone with fighting words. It’s easy to point fingers and place blame on others. How we enter these conversations matters! If we walk up to a friend seeking to blame, point fingers, and judge, we will miss an opportunity to understand the other better than we did before.
The Conversation
Proverbs 27:5 says: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.”
Honestly addressing a conflict is actually a way to love a friend! What good is our love for others if we keep it inside? As we approach hard conversations, it is best to start with love. At the start of your conversation, share your appreciation, respect, and love for your friend. Let them know that this conversation is happening because you care for them. Your heart behind how you approach hurt, misunderstanding, or even someone’s sin against you makes a difference.
Rosenberg outlines four main movements in nonviolent communication:
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs/Expectations
- Requests 1
Imagine a scenario where a good friend of yours stood you up… again. You rearranged your schedule to have dinner together, and they didn’t show up. This isn’t the first time. Instead of letting that pain fester, make time for a conversation. Maybe you send a text or call to let them know you’d like to talk about that night. Give them clarity and set some expectations going into the conversation so they aren’t blindsided or defensive.
As you talk, start by sharing your observations. You could be tempted to say something like, “You always stand me up. It’s annoying and inconsiderate!” But a nonviolent approach might be:
“I’ve noticed you haven’t shown up the past few times we’ve had plans. Is there anything going on? Is everything okay?”
Then, listen.
Next, share your feelings. Instead of saying, “You’re always a no-show and it’s frustrating,” you could say,
“When someone doesn’t show up to plans we’ve made, I tend to feel anxious and unimportant to that person.”
When you share how someone has hurt you, explain how their actions made you feel. Don’t blame them for your feelings – just share the impact of the action. This lowers defenses and opens the door to constructive conversation.
Then, share your needs or expectations and follow with a request for the future. This could start a back-and-forth of explanations, apologies, and solutions that help avoid the conflict repeating.
An Invitation to Love Like Christ
Luke 6:31 says: “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”
Consider the other person’s perspective as you approach hard conversations. Commit to listening and understanding them. Listening is an act of love! If we approach conflict only to seek revenge or validation for ourselves, we may unintentionally add more pain. But if we approach others the way we’d like to be approached, relationships can grow stronger.
There may be an underlying issue that needs attention. Listen to your friend like you want to be listened to when you’re hurting.
Ephesians 4:32 says: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
When we give others our time and practice nonviolent communication, forgiveness becomes more likely and bitterness less so. Forgiveness isn’t easy; Jesus knows that better than anyone! Instead of fighting against each other, fight for a resolution. Seek forgiveness. Seek understanding. And know that giving time to cultivate healthy relationships is worth it – even in your busy life.
Notes
Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. 3rd ed., PuddleDancer Press, 2015.
