(Emily)
Grief.
It sounds dramatic because no one had died. No tragedy had occurred. I was not in a hospital room receiving a diagnosis. Yet still, grief is what I experienced as I sat in a webinar listening to two Christian leaders share a beautiful testimony of two friends being bound together spiritually.
I wanted to share the joy of what God had done for them, celebrate alongside the others on the call, but instead, it was as if their story echoed in a large room and I found myself there, alone, with just my loneliness. I grew still while I experienced the deep pain over the void of not having a spiritual friend like that in my life.
Sure, I had lots of friends. My life was full of people, from California to New York City. We participated in a robust community, with people from all walks of life. We broke bread together, served alongside each other. Yet still, I felt lonely and not fully seen. When you’re in ministry, relationships can be complicated and complex. I longed for a friend who would journey with me throughout seasons of life – the good and bad, the highs and the lows, the thriving and the surviving.
So, I started to pray… Most of my prayers happened in the mountains on a hiking trail where I cried out to God, telling Him of my grief, my loneliness. In the woods, only God and the birds saw my tears (and the occasional hiker who passed me by with a polite yet quick wave hello as they wondered why this crazy lady cried along the trail). The mountains are my sacred space to meet with God, experience His presence amidst His divine creation and open myself fully and vulnerably before Him.
Friendship: A Godly Desire
I knew it was God’s desire for me to have this kind of friendship. It was a holy desire. So, I prayed earnestly, telling God that I’d trust Him to provide. I told Him I would wait, making myself open, curious, and attentive to His provision.
Maybe you feel this grief like I did. I know many of you are lonely. Our society is more connected than ever yet more lonely than ever and the results of loneliness can be catastrophic. In 2023, the Surgeon General even called it an epidemic in the United States with health impacts including heart disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and early death.
As Jesus followers, we know that we are never alone and that the presence of the living God is always near. He is present in our loneliness: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). He comforts us in our loneliness: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
God also created us as a collective: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
We were created for unity in togetherness. Each image bearer of Christ has been built with the holy desire of belonging with and to another.
Spiritual Friendship is the Answer (Lumar)
Creation itself is an act of spiritual friendship. Think about it: God-head, three-in-one, forming the waves and the wind, ensuring that from dust man would form and from man, woman. Our need for symbiotic relationships are not solely met with romantic love (eros). In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes friendship (philia) as one of the highest forms of love because it is freely chosen, not driven by necessity or biology, and fosters mutual growth (Lewis, 1988). When spiritually grounded, friendship always strengthens our love for God. God longs for us to experience His unconditional agape love, as He answers our cries for friendship, and finding it, may take a simple act of fervent prayer.
A Posture of Prayer (Emily)
My posture of prayer continued in the months that followed as I kept my eyes up looking for opportunities that God might be providing for friendship. Then, one day I received a call from a coworker asking if I had capacity to take on another church planting project. He had met a Latina church planter in the northeast who was planting a Spanish speaking church and needed some guidance and coaching through the startup process. Having planted a Spanish-speaking church myself, I jumped at the chance to support another Latina church startup.
Lumar showed up on my Zoom screen in June of 2021. Like on all of my introductory calls, we shared stories and how we both arrived at the ministries where we were currently serving. I was amazed at the steadiness of Lumar’s faith. I resonated with her holistic vision for a thriving Latino community, and I was impressed by her humble confidence and teachable spirit. Very quickly, I knew that this was not just another church startup project for me, but God had divinely crossed our paths together.
Becoming An Answered Prayer (Lumar)
My prayers to God did not include mountains or birds. The prayers were anxiously scribbled all over my office. Some were written on crumbled pieces of papers that started off as prayers and then kick-off plans for our church launch. I had committed to surround myself with a network of people who would not only keep me transparent, accountable, and surrounded as I said yes to the call of building a church, but also one that provided mentorship and expertise in a territory that felt foreign to me, especially as a brown millennial. Yes, I was called to preach since I was a little girl, and had a diverse background in leadership, but never had I been entrusted by God to form a church from the ground up.
The one thing I knew for sure, was that this calling required me to be the holiest version of myself, and that required finding a deeper community with God and with others. I was on a mission, one that felt like a desperate ticking clock, because our church was launching in less than a year.
My longing for others was not out of loneliness but out of duty. A duty to God, myself, and God’s people. Perhaps you feel the same burden. God calls you to something greater than yourself, and, suddenly, you realize you better not do it alone. God has entrusted you with something greater than you – a ministry, a child, a passion – something requiring not only the agape love of God, but the love of friends in which you can find mutual discipleship.
I was praying for mentorship in this area, without realizing that in every relationship we give and receive. I had never planted a church, but I knew how to be a great friend. Without knowing, the scribbles in my journal, the sticky-notes on my prayer wall, were an ask to God for Emily, a mutually answered prayer. I often joke around with Emily that I had to plant a church to find her. It was as if my yes to God came with one of the greatest reaps, a spiritual friend.
Mutuality in Friendship (Emily)
I continued to pray that God would lead me in wisdom and discernment towards this friendship. One thing I knew for sure is that this deep relationship needed to be mutual. Mutually desired, mutual in effort invested, and have mutual respect. So, I invited Lumar to a conference that I would be attending for us to meet in real life for the first time. Honestly, it felt a little like a first date. We were testing the waters of taking our relationship from a professional one to a personal one. There were moments where the junior high Emily inside of me spoke up with fears like “what if she doesn’t like me?” “what if we can’t find things to talk about?” “what if she already has a friend like the one I’m seeking?” I was nervous! And there were some awkward moments, but after some time the nerves relaxed and the conversation flowed. That weekend we spoke more words than I had in the previous week!
We talked about serious things and silly things. We talked about ministry and leadership. We talked about family and friends. We talked about our faith highs and lows. We talked about politics and religion. We talked about our favorite foods and our love of coffee. We talked about preaching in heels versus flats. We talked about it all!
I came home from that weekend feeling filled and fueled up. We had stayed up late nights, yet I was more energized than I had been in a long time. It was becoming clear to me that God was answering my prayers and healing my grief through a friendship with Lumar.
(Emily & Lumar)
Today, three years later, we reflect on how far we have come. What started as a professional connection has grown into something deeper, something sacred. In the three years of our spiritual friendship, we’ve lived a lot of life together. Both of us have experienced high highs and some of the most devastating of lows. And one of the greatest gifts is that we’ve had one another. We can say quite confidently, that we would not have made it through the last few years without one another. God had answered our prayers in ways we never could have orchestrated on our own.
Yet, finding and cultivating a spiritual friendship didn’t happen by accident. It required prayer, intentionality, and the willingness to invest deeply. If you, like we once did, long for this kind of friendship, know that it is possible. But it takes more than just waiting – it takes action.
Pursuing Spiritual Friendship
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)
Ask – The journey toward spiritual friendship begins with prayer. Just as we bring our needs, desires, and burdens before God, we must also bring our longing for deep, God-honoring friendship. Ask God with humility, trusting that He knows what we need and will provide in His perfect timing. Spiritual friendship is not just a want – it is a holy desire placed within us by a God who created us for community. Spiritual friendship is a discipleship tool in the hands of God forming us into more holy women, strengthened and prepared to the calling we’ve been given. In asking, we acknowledge that true friendship is a gift from the Lord, something to be stewarded well and received with gratitude.
Seek – Friendships don’t happen by accident. We must be intentional in looking for the people God is placing in our lives. Seeking means taking risks, stepping beyond comfort zones, and making room for meaningful connection. It requires discernment – recognizing who God might be leading us toward and being willing to invest in those relationships with vulnerability and authenticity. Like any deep relationship, spiritual friendship is built over time through shared experiences, trust, and mutual encouragement.
Knock – Once we recognize the doors that God is opening, we must step forward with continuous effort, investment, and sometimes even sacrifice. True friendship requires showing up – again and again. It means celebrating victories together and carrying each other through hardships. It requires us to extend grace, embrace honesty, and commit to mutual discipleship. Spiritual friendship isn’t just about receiving; it’s about giving – pouring into one another, sharpening each other, and pointing each other toward Christ.
The grief of loneliness is real, but it is not the final story. God invites us into deep, soul-nourishing relationships that reflect his love. Spiritual friendship is a necessity, not a luxury. It strengthens us in our faith, reminds us we are not alone, and equips us to walk boldly in our God-given callings. So, ask with faith, seek with intention, and knock with perseverance – because the door to spiritual friendship is one that God delights in opening.
