In May 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murphy released an 85-page advisory about a new epidemic devouring its way across the country. But he wasn’t talking about a new virus or bacteria. And it wasn’t some new drug or addiction. No, the Surgeon General of the United States warned us about the epidemic of . . .
Loneliness.
This is real. This is now. This is urgent.
When I heard about this, I felt like years of walking with lonely believers and their leaders (and seeing the carnage) had finally been named. This is real. This is now. This is urgent.
Murphy writes, “Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation has been an under-appreciated public health crisis that has harmed individual and societal health.”1
Raising loneliness to the level of a major health concern? That’s huge. And it matches what I’ve come to experience in my own journey.
Following this daunting idea, he gives us a glimmer of hope and vision for the future.
“Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight — one that can help us live healthier, more fulfilled and more productive lives,” Murthy states.1
Our modern society relegates friendship to a kind of fluffy role in life, perhaps something that’s nice to have but not something that’s incredibly important. Certainly not an imperative.
And yet, now the fabric of our society is suffering for a lack of true friends.
My personal transformation
When I was recovering from my own crash – which took the form of burnout, hospitalizations, and an inexplicable case of vertigo – many of the pathways to soul health that I uncovered were expected. Things like new ways of prayer, new ways of engaging with scripture, discovering the power of rest. All expected, right?
What completely shocked me was the experience of healing I was finding through new ways of relating in ordinary relationships. Inspired by writers like Henri Nouwen and Larry Crabb², we were seeking more transparent, genuine relationships with each other. We each had been laid bare by a crash of some kind – maybe physical, maybe mental, maybe emotional – and had all reached the point where we had no interest or desire in making it look like we had all our stuff together.
“Releasing the power of God through our lives and into the hearts and souls of others requires that we both understand and enter into a kind of relating that only the Gospel makes possible… this kind of relating depends entirely on deep fellowship with Christ and then spills over onto other people with the power to change their lives… not always on our timetable or even in the ways we expect, but as the spirit moves.” (Crabb, L. Connecting: Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships. United States: Thomas Nelson, 2005.)3
“We have all wondered in our many lonesome moments if there is one corner of this competitive, demanding world where it is safe… to release ourselves, be exposed, to give unconditionally. It might be quite small and hidden, but if that place exists, it calls for a search through our ordinary relationships in order to find it.” (Nouwen, H. J. M. Intimacy. United States: HarperCollins, 2016.)4
As we entered this new way of being, each of us in some way at rock bottom and not afraid to admit it, we experienced profound transformation. I experienced profound transformation. What did that look like for me?
The move out of isolation and into being known brought not only belonging but becoming.
By risking these new ways of relating, I discovered new thoughts in my head and new willingness in my heart, new energy, and new hope. Undeniably, God was doing a new work within me, at the core of my being, through these seemingly ordinary relationships. The move out of isolation and into being known brought not only belonging but becoming.
Of course, there were still roles to be played by therapists and other paid professionals. But I could not deny that deep and real change was coming in substantial ways through a group of peers.
Relationships changed my life. As a result, they have also profoundly shaped what I know to my core is essential for transformation.
That one thing has proven itself over and over again.
Leading for Transformation
One thing has been a theme of my ministry and teaching with Soul Care from the very beginning. I’m talking 20+ years and counting!
I remember this “one thing” came up when I was working at one of the largest churches in the country. A co-worker and I sat down to make a list of spiritual practices we might embed in people’s imaginations… practices that would lead to fully devoted followers of Christ – things like prayer, silence, solitude, and simplicity.
Among those expected and valuable practices, my list also included my “one thing”: Relationships as a spiritual discipline.
My co-worker nodded and said, “Otherwise known as spiritual friendship.”
It turns out great theologians and philosophers have been advocating relationships as a key to spiritual life for thousands of years.
It turns out great theologians and philosophers have been advocating relationships as a key to spiritual life for thousands of years.
We discussed this long list of potential practices to narrow the focus to a just handful of the most vital to include. As we eliminated a few, I remember at one point telling him that we had to include relationships — if it wasn’t on the list, I would quit! Joking, but also not. I simply couldn’t imagine leading people into a deeper spiritual life without including a focus on spiritual friendships. It made the list.
A spiritual friendship could be defined as an ordinary relationship that – like any friendship – is life-giving and mutual. But additionally, in a spiritual friendship, we intentionally help each other pay attention to what God is doing in our lives and be responsive to that divine activity. We are belonging and becoming.
Transformation at Scale
Many times over the years while teaching on this topic, I have told groups that if I could have one wish granted instantly in regards to the church, I would wish for these kinds of deep and transformational relationships to take hold among the body of Christ. It would unleash a sleeping giant capable of breathing incredible life and hope and soul-level transformation into and through the people of God!
But currently, most churchgoers remain quite isolated as they faithfully sit in rows together every Sunday and, yet, remain deeply separated in almost every other way. We come together for an hour a week and then disperse out into the world, rarely crossing paths otherwise.
Leaders within ministries are even more isolated by virtue of unreasonable expectations, harsh criticism, and personal resistance to true vulnerability. Pastor’s spouses are typically the loneliest people in the church.
Leaders within ministries are even more isolated by virtue of unreasonable expectations, harsh criticism, and personal resistance to true vulnerability. Pastor’s spouses are typically the loneliest people in the church.
But, what if we could change what people are experiencing? What if we could introduce genuine friendships into the lives of all these people, ourselves included? Deep and lasting transformation would happen. Healing – all sorts of healing – would be released in ways we can’t even imagine.
I believe the fact that loneliness is one of the largest medical threats in our country right now should be a rallying cry to the people of God and local churches everywhere. This is a problem we can solve! This is a missional objective as simple as connecting people and encouraging them to share their lives with one another!
Granted, this would require a shift in the relational dynamics present in most churches. Much of my own soul recovery was shaped by the wisdom of friends who were part of 12-step communities, groups that often meet in church basements.
The deep transformation, radical honesty, experience of hope, acceptance, and personal guidance available to people who engage in those basement 12-step communities is a beautiful thing to see.
This particular aspect has led some of my 12-step friends to ask a question: “Why is it that the people who go to the basement of the church get better while those upstairs rarely do?”
The time for increased advocacy and increased action has come.
This is the large-scale change that I’ve long dreamed to see, that I have been doing my small part to advocate for.
But the time for increased advocacy and increased action has come.
I love the words of the Surgeon General: “Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight.”
It certainly calls to mind God’s verdict at creation: It is not good for man to be alone. As followers of Jesus, we have something to give. We don’t have to “have it all together,” we must actually care about the people in our lives and reach out with meaningful points of connection.
Think Globally, Act Locally
So, what might that really look like, practically speaking? How do we alleviate an epidemic of loneliness?
Here’s an idea: Each of us can start small and just pick someone. Invest. Care. Risk.
I still remember when my middle son was in high school, 10th grade, and he was really thriving. Popular, attractive, a great athlete. He really had a very easy road, or at least as easy as the road can be for teenagers traveling through high school. And he could have cashed in on that easy road and took what it had to give him for four years.
But one day he started bringing home a friend, a freshman, a kid who probably wasn’t the most popular in his grade. Sometimes he was a little awkward. And so, I asked our son one day to tell me a little about this kid. He did. And I remember then asking him how they became friends? They really were kind of an odd duo.
“He’s my freshman,” my son said, with a twinkle in his eye.
“Your freshman?” I asked.
He went on to explain that early in the year, he decided he wanted to take one freshman under his wing, a kid who felt uncertain navigating the terrors of high school or wasn’t confident. And he did this for no other reason than to offer friendship.
We all want to be picked. We all walk into a room, no matter how old we are, and wonder if anyone is going to choose us.
My son reminds us, we all want to be picked. We all walk into a room, no matter how old we are, and wonder if anyone is going to choose us.
Some of us have attributes that mean we’ve always had it pretty easy in this regard, people have always been quick to choose us. And others of us know the pain of walking into a room and feeling invisible, knowing in advance that no one is going to pick us.
What if we became mindful about walking into a room and choosing someone, with no agenda other than to make sure they feel less alone in the world. What if we were to go out of our way to offer friendship? What kind of a world would this become, where everyone felt chosen?
Maybe it’s time for you to pick a “freshman.”
The coolest part is that our son’s “freshman” went on to pick others just like he was picked. He became the kind of person who goes out of his way to make sure people feel chosen.
Maybe it’s time for you to pick a “freshman.”
As followers of Jesus, and especially as leaders, it’s time to look outside ourselves and begin to intentionally form new kinds of relationships. Relationships marked by deep transformation, radical honesty, hope, love, acceptance, and personal guidance. True spiritual friendship. The health of your soul and of the souls in your care depend on it.
Pick someone.
Truly care.
Let’s embody this old Irish welcome that I’ve heard:
Come in the evening, come in the morning…
Come when expected, come without warning,
Thousands of welcomes you’ll find here before you,
And the oftener you come, the more we’ll adore you!
Notes:
- Bryan Robinson, Ph.D., “U.S. Surgeon General Cites Loneliness As Serious Mental Health Hazard In New Report,” Forbes, May 6, 2023. https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrobinson/2023/05/06/us-surgeon-general-cites-loneliness-as-serious-mental-health-hazard-in-new-report/?sh=6ec752391adc
- I highly recommend Larry Crabb’s books, Safest Place on Earth and Connecting, along with Henri Nouwen’s The Inner Voice of Love.
- Crabb, L. Connecting: Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships. United States: Thomas Nelson, 2005.
- Nouwen, H. J. M. Intimacy. United States: HarperCollins, 2016.
