I stood prayerfully at the ocean’s edge and then hurled three rocks into the depths. After watching them sink, I turned around and moved forward. You can, too. Let me explain.
INEVITABLE ENDINGS
I’m sad when credits roll at the end of a great movie. I want more – like the next story after happily-ever-after. But that happily-ever-after isn’t real and it won’t prolong the inevitable fact that life has endings. How we deal with an ending can set us up for even more happiness and satisfaction. The promise of Psalm 84:7 is that we can transition “from strength to strength” until we see the Lord. Unfortunately, endings can become a prison of pain and dissatisfaction if ignored.
In developmental theory, Erick Erickson describes life in eight developmental stages from birth to end of life. If we choose to work through the necessary task of each stage, we can successfully move to the next one. For example, an adolescent is in a stage of wrestling with identity versus confusion. They often get stuck there. An older person (65 years old or above) deals with the developmental stage of integrity versus despair. If that older adult is unable to move through their last stage of life with integrity, despair will often get the better of them. Ending one developmental stage well is crucial to set us up for a successful transition to a new stage.
One only needs to look at nature to see cycles of beginnings and endings which then provide another new beginning. An apple, for instance, produces a seed containing within itself the DNA to start life again, which produces not only one apple, but an apple tree with an entire orchard of potential. That seed, however, must be planted, buried deep within the earth, and die so that new life can emerge. The burial and death of the seed produces a dramatic new beginning.
Jesus demonstrated the ultimate example of endings and new beginnings with his death on the cross and subsequent burial. Three days later, however, the risen Christ broke through the barrier of ultimate endings to a whole new level of glory. One which provided us with a lifetime of new beginnings! This is the hope we have as followers of Christ. It is the gift of eternal life, so we need not fear endings because they provide a beautiful opportunity to begin again.
GETTING LOST IN THE ENDING
I love a good novel, but it is the books with a powerful ending that I tend to remember. Our lives are stories that ebb and flow like chapters in a novel. The beginning of one chapter is only as good as the ending of the previous one. A clear, definitive ending sets the stage for the next chapter’s opening lines.
Sadly, many of us don’t take the time to reflect on how our story unfolds. We get stuck in an ending, choosing to ignore reality – that the ending has signaled a transition point and sets our next course of action. Recognizing that our life story will have multiple endings, those new beginnings become our chance to do a refresh, to start again, to reimagine what our next “yes” might be.
Endings are a natural part of life. When there is an end to a job, a ministry position, a life stage, college, even launching the kids from our homes, there is transition. Once an ending triggers a transition, we can expect this next phase to feel like an emotional fog. Questions like, “What comes next?” “Will I find the right job, spouse, home, church, etc.?” are normal, and so is the swirl of emotions that ensues. If we aren’t careful, the negative feelings and angst can push us to try too quickly to get out of the emotional fog. Unfortunately, when we disallow the transitional phase to work itself out, we circumvent the process of creating a new beginning.
NAVIGATING THE NEUTRAL ZONE
William Bridges, who wrote, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, describes the Transition Model. He writes that a transition is triggered when an ending happens. This means that the individual first needs to identify what is being lost and manage the losses, deciding what is important to keep and what needs to change. The next phase of a transition is labeled the “neutral zone.” The old is gone but the new is not operational yet.
“It is when the critical psychological realignments and re-patterning take place. It is the very core of the transition process. This is the time between the old reality and sense of identity and the new one. People are creating new processes and learning what their new roles will be. They are in flux and may feel confusion and distress. The neutral zone is the seedbed for new beginnings.”1
The neutral zone provides extra time to reflect, grieve the losses, and think about what a new beginning can look like. It may take a while to get crystal clear. But, if we intentionally process our transitional experience, we can come out of it with new energy, focus, and drive.
Dr. Henry Cloud, Christian psychologist, author, and speaker, speaks about this transitional process in his book, Necessary Endings.
Dr. Cloud says, “Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.”2
Each ending is a seedbed where God can plant new seeds of life and prepare us for our next best “YES.”
THE PAIN AND POTENTIAL IN ENDINGS
One of my most admired characters in scripture who exemplifies this idea is Ruth. She was a woman who transitioned well through multiple endings: The tragic loss of her husband, moving away from her homeland to travel into the unknown with her mother-in-law, Naomi, while settling in a strange land with a people and culture that were foreign to her. Even though her experience was one of tremendous loss and pain, Ruth allowed the endings to help her grow in her relationship with the true God. She was a woman who transitioned well from “strength to strength” (Psalm 84:7).
Recently, I experienced a significant life transition – an ending of my role as co-lead pastor at our church after 31 years. This chosen, yet difficult change created entire days when I felt whipped around in the white water of a big wave. My identity, my life work, my stage of life collided, throwing me into the neutral zone of transition.
To get clarity in my neutral zone, I chose to take a silent retreat of solitude, spending time with God to ask him what he wanted my third-third of life to look like.
As I settled myself into prayer, my first question was, “What do you want me to do with the rest of my life?” To my surprise, he immediately responded with, “Release the disappointments, disillusionments and unrealized dreams that you have.”
It didn’t take long to list out the things that constantly caused me sadness, grief, or pushed me to try and make my dreams come true, as if those accomplishments would define me and make me feel better about myself. Once identified, God helped me fully embrace the current ending so I could transition well.
THROWING ROCKS AND GRABBING DREAMS
The goal of the retreat was to recover myself and reimagine my third-third of life. The Lord showed me how those three D’s (disappointments, disillusionment, and unrealized dreams) were holding me back from moving to a higher strength level by putting unrealistic expectations on me. Those D’s told me to push harder, try to make a name for myself, and become significant by building my resume.
The truth is, going from an ending to a new stronger level isn’t about producing more or becoming more well known. It begins with knowing that God loves me as his precious daughter, who was fearfully and wonderfully knit together in my mother’s womb. [Psalms 139] It is about knowing that he has called me on mission with him. What it looks like will change but that privilege will never change. These foundational truths are what I need to build my last third of life on. The entire solo retreat brought clarity to my foggy life, and the conclusion was a symbolic releasing ritual I created for myself.
The ritual began with writing on three rocks the words disappointments, disillusionments, and dreams unrealized.
Walking down to the ocean’s edge, accompanied by Larry (my incredible husband), I named and confessed my identified list of things that I was clinging to for meaning, worth, or notoriety. Then I hurled them one-by-one into the depths of the sea. Saying goodbye to each one gave me the release I needed.
Standing on the shore with empty hands, I was ready to receive anew. My future is a new beginning that God and I will be co-creating, but it required me to fully release to receive what comes next. I had to say “goodbye” so I could say “hello” to all the awaiting new things.
A TOOLBOX FOR TRANSITIONS
Are you facing a recent ending? You can start the process toward a new beginning by first speaking foundational truths like who you are in Christ, who you are as a uniquely created child of the Almighty God. Scripture will ground you if you consistently recite it to yourself. Pray these truths, write them out, and stick them in obvious places so you see them throughout the day.
There are other helpful things you can do while in the “neutral zone” of transition to stay grounded. First, acknowledge you are in transition. Honesty breaks denial. Realize you will feel uncomfortable.
As Dr. Cloud reminds us, “Even the most gifted people and leaders are subject to feeling conflicted about ending things, so they resist.”3
Don’t resist the ending, embrace the discomfort and let the Lord meet you there.
Secondly, invest time in deeper prayer about your life and new beginnings. The Word tells us that when we seek God with our whole heart, we will find him (Jeremiah 29:13). Sadly, our addiction to busyness captures our minds and attention rather than the beauty of the Lord’s presence. We must slow down, be still so we can hear his “gentle whispers” (1 Kings 19:12). Consider taking a silent retreat of solitude for a day, week, or longer. Endings will have losses that require a grieving period. We must grieve to receive what comes next.
Third, press into community. When people experience an ending, there is a tendency to isolate themselves from others. Isolation, however, can quickly turn into depression. We are created by God to be relational. Consequently, one of the healthiest actions you can take is surround yourself with those who will speak into your life, pray with you and for you, check in on you, and help you navigate the transitional fog. Lean into your network for support, wisdom, feedback, and insight.
Fourth, remind yourself the middle phase of transition is confusing, and the process is slow. Accept this reality and wait on the Lord so you don’t self-sabotage and cut short the refinement and clarity God is inviting you into. In transitional moments, we need to have a “growth mindset” (Carol Dweck). Let the refining fire burn off the dross to produce the gold in your life.
Fifth, consider using the time to take on a new hobby or learn a new skill. Leaders are life-long learners. So the neutral zone often provides extra space in the calendar to resource yourself. Take a risk, step outside of yourself, and do something you have always wanted to experience.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to get some counseling. Having an objective, skilled person speak into the transition often provides surprising clarity. It releases you to learn to accept what is and to give yourself permission to consider new things for your life.
THE ULTIMATE ENDING IS UNENDING
You are uniquely created, and we need to hear your voice. Don’t shrink back or give up because of discouragement. Press on, pray hard, and eventually that ending will provide you the new beginning you desire.
Does your life tell the story you want to tell? As you look back at your life, what chapters do you see? As you look ahead, what chapters are you facing? Baby coming? Graduation occurring? Kids leaving? Your parents dying? Jobs changing? Relocation happening? Health changing? My heart’s desire, and I believe yours as well, is to allow every ending to become a springboard into God’s next new beginning. May Psalm 84:7 be true of us: “They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.”
NOTES
- More information on the Transition Model can be found on the website: https://wmbridges.com/, accessed June 10, 2024.
- https://bookroo.com/quotes/necessary-endings , accessed June 10, 2024.
- Ibid.